Hump Day...

Its Wednesday. Hump Day. Damn, even just stating that makes me horny, jealous and pissed off, all at once. I mean who the hell is humping on Wednesday anyway? And if you are, WHY AREN'T I? I'm still pissy because I didn't get any sex last weekend, and now we arrive at hump day, and I'm not humping..hello?? Seriously, am I asking so much? Sex please. Daily please. 2x daily please. ok. ok, i'm getting carried away, i know. Once a week is my all time lowest bid, I refuse to go any lower (never mind the fact that I'm batting 2-3 times per month). So, is my libido so high because I'm single? This is a serious question....for you, my hords of readers...if you are married or in a long term relationship in your late thirties, how's your sex drive? Is there something wrong with me? If I had an available partner, would I want it so badly, so often? Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I went off my anti-anxieties that have the side effect of "suppressing your sexual drive." For christ's sake I might be a sexual offender if I wasn't held back by these little pills!

So, obviously my two-man strategy is not working out. If I can't get sex weekly while I am seeing 2 men, then  its time to up the game. Calling all thirds!!!!!!

when was the last time you had sex in the back seat?

I think I may be turning into a teenage male. I'm almost 40. I mean all I want is sex, and then some more please. I think about it day and night, I dream about it. I do it anywhere and everywhere I can. And keep my hand down my pants the other days...But my god, I'm starving out here. I can't find a man to even keep up with the bare minimum--once a week. so, fellows, and sisters, i'm so sorry to say that the only way i can mange this savage desire is to string along several men at once to at least ensure that my chances of getting good sex once a week are strong. Last night it was the back seat of a jeep, damn it was good.i could go back to that soup line every day...multiple times in every day. But he only needs it every week or so. SCREAM!!!! And then there's my other steady (meaning he comes through 2 times a month) and its great but, SCREAM!!! Dating men in their 30's plus is maddening, flakeville, moody, busy, blah!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna loose my mind (well many may argue I already lost it) but please, fellas, can i get some more SEX?!?! pretty please ;)

new job, new men, new home

Yippee! Yahoo! Its all happening planet pluto, or is it uranus this month? after 8 months (or 14 months depending on when you start counting) I am finally employed!!!!! went from scraping by on nickels and dimes to a GREAT job with a prominent non-profit, and a $75K salary. my daughter skipped and sang about it all the way home tonight.

and....i'm getting my own apartment (if i get approved what with my crappy credit from the bank scamming me). but i'm feelin positive about the place we found. and i can stop loafing off my sister over here!

and...i'm open for dating again, enough with this old man married shit. i'm young and ready for some action. I NEED SEX!!!!!

alone again

its over. every little cell in my body screams it. so strange how the body knows these things even before the mind sometimes. my raging sexual energy went completely and entirely dead. i can no longer love and be with a married man. my body told me this first. my mind is still coming to grips with it. i can not trust him regardless of the depth of his love. he can be satisfied loving me and married to her. i no longer can. perhaps it demonstrates a character flaw, a weakness, a thin level of love. perhaps i can not truly commit to any man and i use marriage as an excuse. perhaps i am not meant to have a partner, ever. loves, yes. partners, no. so, alone again, and maybe alone always.

spare change?

I've always found it painful to see a homeless person. Something about seeing a once beautiful human being reduced to the shame of dirty clothes and asking for change breaks my heart.But I always saw them as a "them" not an "us".

And now I realize just how close that state of being is, for anyone really. A lost job, a foreclosure, a natural disaster, a mental or emotional breakdown....and that could be you or me. In fact, I'm already there, but instead of shaking my can for spare change, I go from one friend to the next asking for two thousand bucks to get through this month, or a thousand to fix the car and on and on. Thank you friends. Thank you for not abandoning me while I'm down. Thank you for keeping me from the freeway off ramp.

And now, the homeless, I see them as me, my brothers and sisters in this struggle for survival, just a few steps ahead of me on the road to decline, or a few steps behind me on the road to recovery...

it came today

the foreclosure notice arrived in my mail today. been praying against hope and hoping against prayer that those bastards wouldn't catch up with me. they did. just as i was about to join a class action law suit to sue the mofos for pho-modifying my loan and ruining my credit. It's been a game of chicken, and I guess I'm the chicken, a damn dead road kill chicken.

I'm completely out of money. I bought groceries on credit today. Each of my credit cards (4) have about $200-$400 credit lines available. My sister asked for the 2 months rent I owe her. I don't have it.

Smile and live another day.

its about the journey, not the destination...

...or so I keep telling myself as I sift through the complexities of seeing a married man. Although he leaves it as an open question, I know in my gut that he will never leave his wife, after 20+ years. But I stay by his side anyway. Why? Well, he gives me everything I want and need from a man--except for a future. And I could do with some more sex, but thats always the case with me. He actually gives me more time, love, attention, and support than any man I have dated since I became a mom, a single single-mom.

Moms shouldn't have to date, it really doesn't make any biological or physiological sense, not that I really know what those big science words mean but you get the gist. The very act of becoming a mother should mean that you have a partner, children need two parents and parents need each other. The focus turns inward, raising our family, nurturing our tribe, and its a lot of damn work. Bur when you are a single and a mother (and with an overactive libido) you have to turn outward to find partners, men, mates...and now your energy is pulled in opposite directions. I hate it. I hate dating. Maybe thats why I'm clinging to this married man, 20 years my senior, well that and he's fabulous. But being with him keeps me out of the market, off the scene, I can pretend we are a family, him, me and my daughter, existing inside my own little fantasy world.