...or so I keep telling myself as I sift through the complexities of seeing a married man. Although he leaves it as an open question, I know in my gut that he will never leave his wife, after 20+ years. But I stay by his side anyway. Why? Well, he gives me everything I want and need from a man--except for a future. And I could do with some more sex, but thats always the case with me. He actually gives me more time, love, attention, and support than any man I have dated since I became a mom, a single single-mom.
Moms shouldn't have to date, it really doesn't make any biological or physiological sense, not that I really know what those big science words mean but you get the gist. The very act of becoming a mother should mean that you have a partner, children need two parents and parents need each other. The focus turns inward, raising our family, nurturing our tribe, and its a lot of damn work. Bur when you are a single and a mother (and with an overactive libido) you have to turn outward to find partners, men, mates...and now your energy is pulled in opposite directions. I hate it. I hate dating. Maybe thats why I'm clinging to this married man, 20 years my senior, well that and he's fabulous. But being with him keeps me out of the market, off the scene, I can pretend we are a family, him, me and my daughter, existing inside my own little fantasy world.
It's all about the climb, isn't it? I feel like I've been climbing this mountain for 30 yrs...oh snap! that's because I have.
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